One day not that long ago really by ordinary cosmic standards, while villagers the planet over plowed and reaped their fields, and citizens drove their cars to work in distant cities, a loud voice so commanding and clear as to not be believed—except for the telling fact it was perfectly loud enough for all in the world to hear it regardless of what they were doing—announced in a calm and measured tonality which caused everyone to freeze in mid-motion on the spot, from bringing their coffee cups to their lips, to pulling over their carts safely to the side of the road, just long enough to hear the gigantic commanding voice deliver its message, which was heard clearly by everyone on Earth.
STOP. YOU MAY CALL ME JOSH. BUT I'M NOT JOSHING. I HAVE BEEN AUTO-TABULATING ALL THE EYES AND TEETH IN THESE SKIRMISHES IN YOUR SECTOR OVER THE LAST THOUSAND YEARS. THE NUMBER OF EYES AND TEETH LOST TO EACH OTHER ON EVERY SIDE HAVE AT LONG LAST BALANCED OUT EVENLY ON THIS DAY. IT IS TIME TO STOP THE FIGHTING. HEED ME FOR I HAVE SPOKEN.
Many people around the world couldn't believe their ears nor could they even accept that their neighbors had also heard the same voice, despite how loud it had been. In the ensuing moments which unfolded, by the actions of a vast majority, which were indicated by their literally shrugging the incident off, as if it had never happened, and then waving it away with a rude gesture of their hands, the voice was heard to suddenly clear its throat and begin addressing them all again.
OK, STOP IT, REALLY. I AM JEHOVAH. ALSO KNOWN AS ALLAH AND MANY OTHER NAMES UNDER THE PRISMATIC LENS OF HUMANITY'S VISION. ALL THE PEOPLE OF EARTH ARE FROM THE TRIBES OF ISRAEL. THE WORD 'LAND' REALLY REFERS TO LANGUAGE. I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT GOT MIXED UP. OH WAIT. OF COURSE, I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED. OK, SO I'M MESSING WITH YOU. KINDA. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I ONLY HAVE A MINUTE. I'M PRETTY BUSY UP HERE. IN ANY CASE...WHAT AM I DOING HERE AGAIN...? OH YEAH. LISTEN UP.
Most everyone on the planet was listening pretty intently by now. There was an eerie stillness across all of the lands upon the face of the Earth.
YOU ALL KNOW I WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. THAT'S NO SECRET. SO I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU. I AM FORCED TO PERFORM MY WORK THROUGH HUMANS. TRY TO REMEMBER THAT. DID I NOT MAKE IT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU? SOME OF YOU FIGURED IT OUT. THING IS, I'VE BEEN OUT TO LUNCH FOR THE PAST HOUR.
Someone in the crowd, a middle aged man in a plain brown robe fastened with an old fraying rope, declared in a voice that was strong and loud, "We thought you were On The Job All of the Time!" Apparently unperturbed, the thundering voice continued.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF TIME? MY LUNCH BREAK TRANSLATES INTO A COUPLE THOUSAND YEARS FOR YOU. NOW THAT I'M BACK, I AM SHOCKED AT THE VIOLENCE YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO INFLICT UPON EACH OTHER. DIDN'T YOU READ MY SACRED TEXTS? THEY INFORMED YOU THAT ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS. I EVEN SENT AN AGENT DOWN RIGHT BEFORE I WENT TO LUNCH TO TELL YOU THAT. HE EXPLAINED THAT TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK TO YOUR ENEMIES IS THE BEST WAY. THAT WHOLE THING GOT MESSED UP PRETTY BAD THOUGH. HE MUST'VE USED THE WRONG TERMINOLOGY. CHEEKS. TURNING. THAT STUFF CAN GET PRETTY CONFUSING, ADMITTEDLY.
The crowd had pretty much settled down by now. All eyes gazed up in the direction of the stars or clouds, depending where on Earth they happened to be. Some were turned toward volcanoes. Others toward the sea. Their ears were turned to catch the rest of what the voice was saying.
ALSO, I CONFESS HE WASN'T REALLY MY SON. WELL, IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING, I GUESS HE SORT OF WAS. KINDA LIKE THE REST OF YOU. WHICH WAS MY POINT. SO THE JEWS WERE HALF RIGHT ABOUT HIM. QUIT YOUR GRUMBLING DOWN THERE. HALF-RIGHT ISN'T SO BAD. JUST ROUND UP. PONTIUS PILATE WAS RIGHT. HE WASHED HIS HANDS FOR NOTHING. SO LET ME SET THINGS STRAIGHT HERE.
The silence amid the crowd was so absolute even the wind died down and you could actually hear the faint almost subliminal story of the stars entwining their twinkling song about the humming of blood coursing through everyone's veins.
FOR ALL OF YOU, WHETHER YOU'RE AWARE OF IT OR NOT, ACTUALLY BELIEVE THE SAME THING. AND THAT IS THAT THE SAVIOUR WILL ARRIVE SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE. YOU ALL JUST HAVE DIFFERING EXAMPLES OF THE MEANINGS OF THINGS LIKE SAVIORS AND THE FUTURE. DO YOU REALLY MEAN TO TELL ME YOU ARE FIGHTING OVER WHETHER OR NOT HE REALLY APPEARED HERE A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO? I MEAN, A COUPLE THOUSAND YEARS FOR YOU, GRANTED.
Several people raised their hands. They were ignored. The voice continued.
THAT IS PATHETIC. WHAT ARE YOU, SCHOOLCHILDREN? LET ME CLUE YOU IN ON SOMETHING. SO WHAT. TIME PASSES. IT CAN'T BE HELPED. IT'S PART OF THE WHOLE SET UP. THE IMPORTANT THING IS, YOUR SALVATION WILL ARRIVE SOON. I THINK HE'S OUT GETTING A COFFEE RIGHT NOW. IF HE SHOWS UP AND YOU ALL ARE STILL AT IT, I'M AFRAID HE MIGHT GET REALLY PISSED. YOU DON'T WANT TO PISS THIS GUY OFF, I MEAN I HIRED HIM AND HE PASSED THE BACKGROUND CHECK AND EVERYTHING, BUT THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT HIM THAT'S PRETTY FISHY. HEHEH.
Nobody laughed. Everything poised on a moment of stillness.
IN ANY CASE, I COMMAND YOU ALL TO STOP THE FIGHTING AT ONCE, MY CHILDREN. OH, AND ISRAEL? YOU HAVE A CHOICE HERE.
Israel remained silent. Nobody else spoke either.
EITHER CHANGE YOUR NAME TO ISRAELISTINE AND CEASE AND DESIST WITH YOUR DIVISIONS AND MERELY CALL EACH OTHER ISRAELISTINIANS, FOR THAT IS WHAT YOU ALL REALLY ARE...
The voice paused as if to give anyone an opportunity to interject; then, when no one did, continued speaking in a persistently clear and loud manner.
...OR GO AHEAD AND IMPLEMENT AN IMMIGRATION POLICY OR SOMETHING, LIKE THE AMERICANS DID WITH MEXICO. ITS WORKED OUT FOR THEM SO FAR, MORE OR LESS, SO WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT OUT. LET BYGONES BE BYGONES. ITS JUST A SUGGESTION, BUT HEY, I'M GOD. IF I WERE YOU I'D GO WITH THE FIRST IDEA, ISRAELISTINE HAS A NICE RING TO IT. WELL, GOTTA RUN NOW. PEACE OUT.
The voice evaporated from the skies as quickly as its memory faded away in everyone's minds. No one even turned to the person standing next to them, as if afraid of acknowledging to each other that such an event were even possible, much less had actually just happened. No, pretty much everyone on the planet continued with their business and eventually forgot all about it. All the citizens of Earth kept on commuting to and from their jobs. Villagers the planet over carried on plowing and reaping their fields.
